November 10th 2003

Wanna feel depressed and senseless? Be my guest.

It's one of those days where nothing's going the way you want. I'm trying to finish my song today, but it kinda sounds too .. cheap and not the way I wanted it. I'm afraid it will take another week until it's completed. Also I've got some real life issues going on and wasting my time. Like the 40th birthday of my mother or the weekly school. I'm also trying to update PHQ and the HQA comics as often as possible. But some things are blocking me.

After I've read the article about NIN/Trent Reznor I thought I'm just another senseless existence. With a few talents and skills, but nothing perfect. Nothing which could become really successful in the world outside. Sometimes I've felt like I was born to represent something, to create worlds others like to spend time in. But real life drags me down to the line of average lifes. I'm becoming trivial, average and normal. I try to fight against it but in the end I'll fail. I'll have to work for money, I'll have to spend hours and hours on real life issues. I'll lose my creativity, my attitudes and my few followers because I won't exist in virtuality anymore. Everything falls apart.

How ironic: I've just used a few phrases from NIN songs. Kill me.

I've added a little statistic to the farm page. Now I'm able to see how many people visit which sites and how often. I recognized that about 20 people per day are checking my comics, about 10 the news and a few others are reading the sven corner reviews and searching for downloads. That's a lot of people in comparison with other homepages with 5 visits per month. But actually it's nothing in comparison with really artistic and creative pages where the owner has plenty of time to create and manage his world(s). Like A Modest Destiny or or even sites like

Another sad fact is: The less sense - the more successful. I could make 1 page with a senseless idea ("WE LIKE DA MOOON") and send it to all users in my ICQ and I'd get more visits each day as I do on the farm.

It's sad and depressing.

But I've written this 100,000 times anyways. So it shouldn't bother you. I better go off the stage and leave the place for a real entertainer.