September 25th 2003

Life is beautiful.
That's what we're taught.

In case you're wondering what those strange main pages of personal halfquake mean: well it actually means nothing .. it began when maria wrote something on phq and we all thought that she has killed herself.. I started with the victim of the hqa comics, sitting there, waiting for response.. maria's mother told me the next day that maria's here, but won't come online the next days.. so the victim was still waiting, after some time the dragon came and waited with him ..
after that and after I knew that maria's getting better the main page became kinda unnecessary, but I thought it would be nice if I used this page to show my moods.. just pictures and text phrases.. so, all you see there is my mood.. for example the one page in which the background faded to gray was the small hope I had when I came home on monday.. though I wrote a text while being on the train to Wels, a text for a new song .. and I made a small black line, with a small white dot and the alternative text "failure is always the best way to learn and the evidence that we forget what we've learnt"..

actually there is hope in life.. and actually life can be beautiful, life can be satisfying.. when you're standing in the middle of the street, surrounded by red leaves, dancing around you in the slight autumn winds.. you forget everything, your problems, your existence, you leave this world for a short time .. and then.. life means realism, sarcasm, irony, sadness and depressions again ..
behind every beauty lies an embittered truth .. behind love lies the fact that it can get boring after a long time, boring and unsatisfying, it's reality, it's human.. you can only get around if you're a surprising and creative person.. for example I try to keep my love fresh and interesting .. and I mostly succeed..
behind a beautiful landscape lies work, sweating people, people who must clean the places from garbage other people made because they didn't care about the beauty..
everything on this world which can give you hope is actually just the embittered try to forget the reality.. and the reality is that life is a rotten rose..

those pages on phq are also the sad try to do new things, to explore new artistic worlds, to find another world.. I've done it all, I put so much of myself in all the latest projects I did that nothing new and interesting can be found anymore.. I'm an empty bottle, everyone tasted it, some liked it and now the bottle is empty and just an ordinary thing for the recycling cycle.. when I create new things, new songs, drawings and pages, I just recycle myself, I use old ideas and change them a little, maybe mix up with some new experimental ideas from other songs or drawings.. subconscious of course.. but after some time when I take a look at what I've done I know that I've done something like that before..
maybe that's why you can identify paintings from different artists.. because every artist has his/her personal additudes, personal style.. I've got my black and white style in drawings, my depressive and empty style in my songs.. I try to be innovative.. but lately I mostly fail..
that's why I motivate others to complete their worlds.. fredi for example is writing on his own world, he's got the power and the ideas to create a new world, but he's stuck on the usual "unmotivated-cause-it's-such-an-effort"-problem.. I'm trying to motivate him everytime I get the chance.. I always get sad when I see new worlds coming up and then get left behind because its creator couldn't live with the whole summoning process...

I want to create new worlds.. I want you to feel what I feel, to see what I see.. I want you to see that there are other roses, roses which are still alive and healthy..
but my inspirations are drying out .. maybe I've done everything I could do in this life.. I'm a broken light bulb.. and maybe it's time to get replaced..