November 06th 2005

I always return here whenever I feel bad, or when something bad happens, or when I'm depressed, or when I don't know what else to do.

At the moment... I just need a vent I guess. I haven't talked about the stuff I do for a while now, so here it goes...

There are these days in my life that completely change the way I'm going to live the next few years. No, there are these minutes, actually, not days. Life-changing moments only last a few minutes, can depend on a quick choice, a simply question to which you are told to reply with "yes" or "no".

The most recent question I was asked was: "Do you need work?" Of course, I was a bit hesitant, asking about what I'd have to do and things like that but after all, I agreed. A simple "alright, sounds good" changed the next 2 years of my life completely.

So, at the moment I work as a webprogrammer. I call myself lucky to be in such a position, considering my past. I don't really have a proper graduation. All I do have is knowledge of how to write common internet programming languages and I can learn fast - if I want to, and if the subject interests me...

Well ... so, I am lucky to have this job. Or am I?

A job means to work for something you actually don't really care about. All you care about is the paycheck at the end of the month. Some green digits on your bank account, so that you can buy food for yourself and some stuff you don't really need, like new CDs, tshirts, DVDs, books, etc. Of course, I'm happy that I'm able to spend my money on material stuff. But on the other hand, I always come home from work and I'm tired. I sit in the office and I have to force myself to work. It's always been like that, even in school. Will it ever change? I don't think so, because - and that's what everyone would tell me now: "This is not how life works."

So how does life work? I've talked about this for a thousand times, and I'm sick of it. I'm tired of crying about how unfair life can be. We - you! - already know that. Hell, we experience it every day. So why bother writing about it?

Instead, I'll just skip this and continue with the rest of what's going on right now. . .

Personal Halfquake. When I write this, I feel ... old. This project is old. It's aging. When I think about Halfquake, it reminds me of the moment when me and my friend blackjack were gathering together at my computer at a LAN party and we made the first map of Halfquake 1. Whenever I hear the words "Halfquake Amen Comic" I feel the unfinished story crawling out of my mind.

There is a lot going on in my head, that is only fictional and has nothing to do with real life. You could say, I'm daydreaming. Always. I'm always distracted, somehow... And everything I start to create is left unfinished. There is no complete. Nothing is complete. You can never finish a project and say that it is done 100% because there's always unfinished points on your todo list. And now that I look back: The whole Halfquake universe is growing huge, and the bigger it gets, the more incomplete it is. And the more difficult it is to actually complete it.

And the more I realize the real problem of life...

Time. I look at my hands and look at old pictures of mine and look at myself and wonder how I've changed already. Or, better yet, how I don't have changed at all. I'm older, I've got a lot of scars in my soul, I'm even more embittered than 5 years back, I've learned a lot about humans in general and their behaviour. And still, in my mind, I can't stop to realize that I'm still the same. And I also realize that everyone else is exactly the same as they were in their youth. Everyone's just a child! We're all children, sometimes we play around with toys that are way too huge for our tiny hands and then we wonder why it gets out of control. We never grow up. Actually, the guy who invented the term "grown-ups" was probably one of the most depressed people around. If you're a grown up, you lose your imagination. Children are full of ideas, dreams and as they grow older everyone else is trying their hardest to make them forget about it because - "That's not how life works."

And yet there are millions of people out their making LOTS of money with books, movies, comics, paintings, games... This is not how life works? Maybe this is not how YOUR life works and you're just envious.

So, in conclusion: I've got a job, and I'm happy to have it and I absolutely hate it. I try to use my time for the stuff that doesn't work in life, but mostly I'm just too tired. I need to make a list of my current projects and I need to write everything down and organize everything so I won't get buried under my mountain of ideas.

I want so much, but I can only make so few happen. And when I finish something, it is never complete. And the more I try to complete it, the more I actually ruin it. Perfectionism ruins everything. Yet, I still need a good portion of it.

I need to get my 4 hours of sleep, so that I can keep at least one eye open when sitting in the office.