I've been playing Starwars Galaxies for the last five days. It was fun at first. But what really disturbed me was when I looked at the houses of other players. They were usually well done, a few hundred objects (couches, tables, rare items and all that junk) were used to make a sweet and mostly unique home. I was under the impression that it all was a waste of time. Why would someone spend hours in a game to make rooms like this?

After a while I came to the conclusion that it's basically not a waste of time. Because now I see no difference between spending hours in making a room in Starwars Galaxies and spending hours in making a mod for Halflife. There's no difference. It's all the same. It's actually productive.

Why was I thinking that it was a waste of time? Well, at first I thought that basically I was playing a game, instead of being productive. But since you can use your own imagination to place (probably a thousand) objects in your own house - it's the same as if I'd use Worldcraft to design levels. I get a program with which I can make stuff. Of course, there are a few differences in the limitation of both ways of creation, like you can't add any custom made sounds and textures and models in SWG. But you couldn't do that with lego either, right? You could only use the given blocks and bricks.

My point is, I guess, as soon as you start creating and using your own imagination, you're being creative. And being creative is not a waste of time. I just realized that it makes no difference where you are productive. It only matters, if you are.

I'm missing something here. I know it... While I'm sitting here, my life goes by laughing at me, sticking its tongue out my way. I know it. I'm wasting my time. I don't know why. Maybe it's not so bad. Maybe I don't miss anything. Maybe I do. Would I regret it if I did? What do I miss? Do I know if I've never seen? What is it that disturbs me? What is it that I'm missing? Why do I meet so many people who haven't reached their goals? Will I be one of them? Why am I hiding? What do I have to lose? Where am I going? Can you show me the way?

Who are those people? They're wearing black things, they listen to the same music I listen to. Though they do different things than I do. They enjoy their life while I escape into virtuality. Do they enjoy their life? Why are they wearing black then? Why are they cheering to death threats, why are they singing hate anthems? And why do they smile and love? Why do they kiss and hate?

What is there to gain? What is there to lose? What will be my score at the end? Where DOES it end? And when?

I know what I miss. I know. I just can't tell. I know it. I miss things I lost. I lost a lot. I lost myself. I miss myself. Where am I? Where have I gone? Why did I leave? Where does this way end?

I'd be rich, if tears were money. I'd be crying, if I was alone. Leave me alone, so I can cry. I want to be rich.

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Well, seems like I have to wait another 8 months to get to do the civilian services. Someone actually just took my place in line, even though I have been waiting for that job for almost 2 years now. That son of a bitch.

Anyway, 8 months! I'll be almost 23 when I'm finished with that government crap. But eh, still 60 until I die. I'm not in a hurry.

Working on HQS. Slowly, but steady.

I made another flash game. If you have some spare minutes, click here. Hope you like it.

3 days left until June 1st. I'm still wondering how it will be ...

Good night.