August 22nd 2004

No, I can't.

I've changed so much in the last year that I can just sit here and pity myself. I'm sad. I don't know what exactly happened to me. I read through the very, very old archive of the old farm page (not accessible for you, unfortunately) and ... I don't know. I've been so different. It frightens me. I'm scared. I can't even tell if I've been better or worse than what I am now. All I know is that today about 100-1000 people appreciate my work. And that's the difference, I guess. I'm not famous. But people telling you that your mod rules, your style is beautiful, your music sounds good and that you're talented are kinda ... irritating. Once I told an old friend of mine that I can't cope with compliments. I can't stand them. And though I depend on them. Every human does. It's irritating and frightening.

I don't know what to say or what to wish. I just want to be the one I was 1 or 2 years ago. Someone who was working on Halfquake Amen, with a goal in his eyes and later with a goal achieved. The person I'm now is just messing around, experimenting, trying to find something new, but everything the person does is worse than the goal he has already achieved. I had the talent to create this goal. It was an instant goal, gone after it has been used. I can't achieve it again.

Can I?