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September 06th 2004

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August 22nd 2004

No, I can't.

I've changed so much in the last year that I can just sit here and pity myself. I'm sad. I don't know what exactly happened to me. I read through the very, very old archive of the old farm page (not accessible for you, unfortunately) and ... I don't know. I've been so different. It frightens me. I'm scared. I can't even tell if I've been better or worse than what I am now. All I know is that today about 100-1000 people appreciate my work. And that's the difference, I guess. I'm not famous. But people telling you that your mod rules, your style is beautiful, your music sounds good and that you're talented are kinda ... irritating. Once I told an old friend of mine that I can't cope with compliments. I can't stand them. And though I depend on them. Every human does. It's irritating and frightening.

I don't know what to say or what to wish. I just want to be the one I was 1 or 2 years ago. Someone who was working on Halfquake Amen, with a goal in his eyes and later with a goal achieved. The person I'm now is just messing around, experimenting, trying to find something new, but everything the person does is worse than the goal he has already achieved. I had the talent to create this goal. It was an instant goal, gone after it has been used. I can't achieve it again.

Can I?

August 02nd 2004

July 13th 2004

I've been thinking a lot... again. You know, about myself, my hobbies, my projects, my virtual reality. What should I do? Fact is that I can't concentrate on more than 2 projects. Even with "only" two projects both kinda suffer from incompleteness, or let's put it this way: one project envies the other one, thus both projects tend to look left alone. Quantity replaces quality, while actually both should live happily ever after.

I can't decide which of my projects has a greater future. Comics? No. PHQ? Heh, no. HQS? Well, no. Music? Of course not! I guess what makes this place attractive for at least 50 people out there is when all those components work together. Music, drawings, coding and general design. Maybe I shouldn't concentrate on only one thing, maybe I'm meant to be having multiple tasks. In fact, I really enjoy doing so many different things. I come home and work on PHQ. Then, I get away from my computer and draw a small comic for one of the most hidden corners on the internet. When I get back I think about what to do next. Maybe some music, some map design, or back to PHQ again or - I'm still working on that german story no one will ever read...

Anyway, truth is that I don't have enough time to do anything the way it should be. Or at least I do only half the things I want to do. I wish I had more time...

Where will this all end? Today I thought that for example the HQA comic can't go on forever. It's going to end sooner or later. Will I do another comic? Will this comic ever be successful enough to get me motivated to continue drawing online pictures? Do I actually want my world to be famous? When I think about it, being famous and/or successful means a lot of traffic in the internet world and even though my provider promised that I've got unlimited traffic I'm still worried. But, who am I kidding. This will be a dark corner forever, and I'll be hiding in it forever. Maybe it's better this way. When I look at all those famous artists out there I feel that they aren't behaving like when they weren't famous. Well, duh, you say. Of course people change when their self-esteem exceeds the 100% limit, but what I specifically mean is that they become slaves of their own. I'm already a slave to my passion to make senseless, dark, depressing, sarcastic and yet funny websites, games and comics. But I'm still in control of things - which I'd definitely lose if I were famous.

Also being well known means to hide more often to get at least a bit privacy. Everything you do on your public pages could cost you your virtual head. You've got to watch every step you take which could lead to minor or excessive paranoia. Also, if you don't keep your expected update schedule people will let you know about it, which can be very annoying, demotivating and depressing. So, I say: Being famous means being alone. It's like standing in a crowd and feeling lonely.

What do I have to do in future? Is there a possibility to make money with something I like? I wanted to do webdesign, but does this have a future you can use as a basement for a successful life? Maybe I don't wanna know about the future. It could be a frightening nightmare. And actually I want to be able to sleep tonight...

July 05th 2004

Well, finally the exams are over. Three years have passed and my apprenticeship as something I didn't want is complete. I'll quit after the next two months and attend some lessons for programming and design. Then Father State wants me to help old people for 1 year (be prepared for some extra-depressive thoughts on that matter in June 2005).

Anyway, at the moment I'm glad that I've got a lot behind me. Now I keep my mind focused on "important things" like PHQ, HQA Comic and HQS. They aren't important for the world outside, but at least they keep me distracted. From what? Well, I guess from the really important things. I wonder how I'll end up one day.. *cough*beggar*cough*

WELL. All I actually wanted to say is that I'm back and things will be better again here in this dark corner.

Stay dead.â„¢

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