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November 20th 2003

Finally I'll get a new PC on Monday. With a few private problems, but I'll get it.

Chances are good that soon I'll start working on a new project. I've accomplished a lot in the past few weeks so that my mind is getting ready for new things. I've finished "Critical Beauty", I've implemented a new experience system to PHQ, I've added a deathmatch mode to Heal The Dragon (which is quite lame, I must admit) and I've finished the Halfquake Amen Comics on the paper. I won't make the Untopia page for a few reasons and I guess the common enemy in PHQ is just too complex to do it now. I need my strength in other areas. Like the new project I was talking about.

I won't say what the new project is since I still don't know when it will start or how it will be called or if I really, really, really wanna do it. A lot of questions still need to be answered.

But by the time my idea has become concrete this will be the place where you read it first.

Fact is: The colder the weather the more I'm productive. It's cold, dark and foggy outside and the trees look scary and dead. I love autumn and winter. All that's left now is art. A new world. A new look.

Stay dead.

November 12th 2003

I've finally finished my new song called Critical Beauty. You can download it here. And below are the lyrics. I hope you like it, though I doubt it. I was in a very bad mood today...


critical beauty
----------------

we're drowning in anger
we're rotten by the truth
we're embittered slaves
we're losing our youth

failure is always the best way to learn
and the evidence that we forget what we've learnt

beauty is just a dream
science is just a shame
smiling is just a strain
living is just a pain

I'm fed up being afraid
I'm fed up being a shade
my tears are drying out
my strength begins to fade

if knowledge means suffering
if truth reveals a lie
if white turns into black
I'll leave and never come back

happy depression
beautiful decay
healthy sickness
wonderful life

November 10th 2003

Wanna feel depressed and senseless? Be my guest.

It's one of those days where nothing's going the way you want. I'm trying to finish my song today, but it kinda sounds too .. cheap and not the way I wanted it. I'm afraid it will take another week until it's completed. Also I've got some real life issues going on and wasting my time. Like the 40th birthday of my mother or the weekly school. I'm also trying to update PHQ and the HQA comics as often as possible. But some things are blocking me.

After I've read the article about NIN/Trent Reznor I thought I'm just another senseless existence. With a few talents and skills, but nothing perfect. Nothing which could become really successful in the world outside. Sometimes I've felt like I was born to represent something, to create worlds others like to spend time in. But real life drags me down to the line of average lifes. I'm becoming trivial, average and normal. I try to fight against it but in the end I'll fail. I'll have to work for money, I'll have to spend hours and hours on real life issues. I'll lose my creativity, my attitudes and my few followers because I won't exist in virtuality anymore. Everything falls apart.

How ironic: I've just used a few phrases from NIN songs. Kill me.

I've added a little statistic to the farm page. Now I'm able to see how many people visit which sites and how often. I recognized that about 20 people per day are checking my comics, about 10 the news and a few others are reading the sven corner reviews and searching for downloads. That's a lot of people in comparison with other homepages with 5 visits per month. But actually it's nothing in comparison with really artistic and creative pages where the owner has plenty of time to create and manage his world(s). Like A Modest Destiny or homestarrunner.com or even sites like linkandfriends.com.

Another sad fact is: The less sense - the more successful. I could make 1 page with a senseless idea ("WE LIKE DA MOOON") and send it to all users in my ICQ and I'd get more visits each day as I do on the farm.

It's sad and depressing.

But I've written this 100,000 times anyways. So it shouldn't bother you. I better go off the stage and leave the place for a real entertainer.

November 01st 2003

The time has come. I need your help.

Someone stole pieces of my art, even the quote by bj "The price for humanity was humanity itself." and even my name!

But .. you must see it for yourself:

Profile Page (link removed)

Homepage (link removed)

I wrote him an email but he hasn't replied yet. So I ask you to help me. Send him emails, get his real address and do something with it. Send him a lot of requests that he has to shut his pages down. Or do something rather sadistic. But let him know that he's crossed very sensible lines.

Real name: ******
Location: ******
E-Mail: ******

If you get his real address please send it to my email address (muddasheep@gmx.at).

I'd really appreciate your help. Thank you all in advance.

Update June 16th 2011: Forgive and forget!

October 21st 2003

Alright.. here are the facts:
I can't make music at the moment because my computer sucks.
First he makes a lot of error messages while trying to play an arrangement in my music program. There are three different errors, all have to do something with MIDI, synchronisation and sample rate.
Second: I got my Geforce 1 back and it makes interesting sounds, coming from the cooler. Funny story: I sold my Geforce a few years ago to a friend who gave the card to the brother of my girlfriend (who I didn't know at this time). Then he gave it to my girlfriend and now it belongs to me again.
Third: Chaos. There's such a chaos on my harddrives and in my room. It's kinda blocking my creativity..
Fourth: (this has got nothing to do with my computer) I don't know what to do. Well, I know what to do, but I don't know where to start.

I want to finish Personal Halfquake. Yes, a final version. To do this I have a few things to accomplish:
a) A common enemy. There is a general threat to all institutes and everyone must team up to avoid the threat. This includes investigating, hacking and attacking with your chosen victim, spy slaves and all other creatures available on the black market. This should be really difficult to make because of the artificial intelligence of the enemy.
b) One or two new modes for Heal The Dragon. A deathmatch and an advanced healing game, in which the team wins which gathers the most plague spots (and heals them).
c) A new experience system, a new contract and slaves system.. which should also be very hard to implement.
d) A new chapter, a final chapter..

I also want to end the Halfquake Amen comic. I have a lot of ideas but again it gets destroyed due to a lack of time.

Then I want to finish my new song (at the moment it's called "Critical Beauty", like critical error..). But I need a new computer to do so. In the fall of November I'll have enough money to buy a new one. And maybe in the meantime I'll tidy up my goddamn room.

Next is a page called Untopia. Darrn, chappi and I want to make a website for the new money system and to show the failures of the current system. It would be hard to create because it's a huge project. But I guess I should just start it and then just finish it and stop thinking about the size. Size doesn't matter. I've learnt that during the making of Halfquake Amen. If you really want to do something - you can do it.

The next thing in my head is rather difficult to explain. I want to do art. When I see the red and orange leaves out there, surrounded by fog and frost I want to buy a digital camera and shoot photos and make some kinda a webpage for them. A gallery, or even a story.. I also think about the next Halfquake, really. At the moment it's called "Halfquake Sunrise". It won't be about sadism anymore, but about art. Visual and acoustic art. I've had dreams again about a black and white world, as I had before Halfquake Amen. I guess a new Halfquake will come. And it's going to disappoint you all. Because I've changed and I bet you won't like it.

In conclusion I must say that I need a new room. Kinda like the nothing-studios. This is really amazing. If you look at the pictures you want to be there. On the walls lies the breath of creativity, the air seems to say: "Come, come! Create something! CREATE!"
When I look at my room all I see is: "Come, come! Clean me! CLEAN!". And when I look at it again my head answers: "No, I'm too tired, too lazy and I've got no money and no time. Get lost."

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