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November 12th 2003

I've finally finished my new song called Critical Beauty. You can download it here. And below are the lyrics. I hope you like it, though I doubt it. I was in a very bad mood today...


critical beauty
----------------

we're drowning in anger
we're rotten by the truth
we're embittered slaves
we're losing our youth

failure is always the best way to learn
and the evidence that we forget what we've learnt

beauty is just a dream
science is just a shame
smiling is just a strain
living is just a pain

I'm fed up being afraid
I'm fed up being a shade
my tears are drying out
my strength begins to fade

if knowledge means suffering
if truth reveals a lie
if white turns into black
I'll leave and never come back

happy depression
beautiful decay
healthy sickness
wonderful life

November 10th 2003

Wanna feel depressed and senseless? Be my guest.

It's one of those days where nothing's going the way you want. I'm trying to finish my song today, but it kinda sounds too .. cheap and not the way I wanted it. I'm afraid it will take another week until it's completed. Also I've got some real life issues going on and wasting my time. Like the 40th birthday of my mother or the weekly school. I'm also trying to update PHQ and the HQA comics as often as possible. But some things are blocking me.

After I've read the article about NIN/Trent Reznor I thought I'm just another senseless existence. With a few talents and skills, but nothing perfect. Nothing which could become really successful in the world outside. Sometimes I've felt like I was born to represent something, to create worlds others like to spend time in. But real life drags me down to the line of average lifes. I'm becoming trivial, average and normal. I try to fight against it but in the end I'll fail. I'll have to work for money, I'll have to spend hours and hours on real life issues. I'll lose my creativity, my attitudes and my few followers because I won't exist in virtuality anymore. Everything falls apart.

How ironic: I've just used a few phrases from NIN songs. Kill me.

I've added a little statistic to the farm page. Now I'm able to see how many people visit which sites and how often. I recognized that about 20 people per day are checking my comics, about 10 the news and a few others are reading the sven corner reviews and searching for downloads. That's a lot of people in comparison with other homepages with 5 visits per month. But actually it's nothing in comparison with really artistic and creative pages where the owner has plenty of time to create and manage his world(s). Like A Modest Destiny or homestarrunner.com or even sites like linkandfriends.com.

Another sad fact is: The less sense - the more successful. I could make 1 page with a senseless idea ("WE LIKE DA MOOON") and send it to all users in my ICQ and I'd get more visits each day as I do on the farm.

It's sad and depressing.

But I've written this 100,000 times anyways. So it shouldn't bother you. I better go off the stage and leave the place for a real entertainer.

November 01st 2003

The time has come. I need your help.

Someone stole pieces of my art, even the quote by bj "The price for humanity was humanity itself." and even my name!

But .. you must see it for yourself:

Profile Page (link removed)

Homepage (link removed)

I wrote him an email but he hasn't replied yet. So I ask you to help me. Send him emails, get his real address and do something with it. Send him a lot of requests that he has to shut his pages down. Or do something rather sadistic. But let him know that he's crossed very sensible lines.

Real name: ******
Location: ******
E-Mail: ******

If you get his real address please send it to my email address (muddasheep@gmx.at).

I'd really appreciate your help. Thank you all in advance.

Update June 16th 2011: Forgive and forget!

October 21st 2003

Alright.. here are the facts:
I can't make music at the moment because my computer sucks.
First he makes a lot of error messages while trying to play an arrangement in my music program. There are three different errors, all have to do something with MIDI, synchronisation and sample rate.
Second: I got my Geforce 1 back and it makes interesting sounds, coming from the cooler. Funny story: I sold my Geforce a few years ago to a friend who gave the card to the brother of my girlfriend (who I didn't know at this time). Then he gave it to my girlfriend and now it belongs to me again.
Third: Chaos. There's such a chaos on my harddrives and in my room. It's kinda blocking my creativity..
Fourth: (this has got nothing to do with my computer) I don't know what to do. Well, I know what to do, but I don't know where to start.

I want to finish Personal Halfquake. Yes, a final version. To do this I have a few things to accomplish:
a) A common enemy. There is a general threat to all institutes and everyone must team up to avoid the threat. This includes investigating, hacking and attacking with your chosen victim, spy slaves and all other creatures available on the black market. This should be really difficult to make because of the artificial intelligence of the enemy.
b) One or two new modes for Heal The Dragon. A deathmatch and an advanced healing game, in which the team wins which gathers the most plague spots (and heals them).
c) A new experience system, a new contract and slaves system.. which should also be very hard to implement.
d) A new chapter, a final chapter..

I also want to end the Halfquake Amen comic. I have a lot of ideas but again it gets destroyed due to a lack of time.

Then I want to finish my new song (at the moment it's called "Critical Beauty", like critical error..). But I need a new computer to do so. In the fall of November I'll have enough money to buy a new one. And maybe in the meantime I'll tidy up my goddamn room.

Next is a page called Untopia. Darrn, chappi and I want to make a website for the new money system and to show the failures of the current system. It would be hard to create because it's a huge project. But I guess I should just start it and then just finish it and stop thinking about the size. Size doesn't matter. I've learnt that during the making of Halfquake Amen. If you really want to do something - you can do it.

The next thing in my head is rather difficult to explain. I want to do art. When I see the red and orange leaves out there, surrounded by fog and frost I want to buy a digital camera and shoot photos and make some kinda a webpage for them. A gallery, or even a story.. I also think about the next Halfquake, really. At the moment it's called "Halfquake Sunrise". It won't be about sadism anymore, but about art. Visual and acoustic art. I've had dreams again about a black and white world, as I had before Halfquake Amen. I guess a new Halfquake will come. And it's going to disappoint you all. Because I've changed and I bet you won't like it.

In conclusion I must say that I need a new room. Kinda like the nothing-studios. This is really amazing. If you look at the pictures you want to be there. On the walls lies the breath of creativity, the air seems to say: "Come, come! Create something! CREATE!"
When I look at my room all I see is: "Come, come! Clean me! CLEAN!". And when I look at it again my head answers: "No, I'm too tired, too lazy and I've got no money and no time. Get lost."

September 25th 2003

Life is beautiful.
That's what we're taught.

In case you're wondering what those strange main pages of personal halfquake mean: well it actually means nothing .. it began when maria wrote something on phq and we all thought that she has killed herself.. I started with the victim of the hqa comics, sitting there, waiting for response.. maria's mother told me the next day that maria's here, but won't come online the next days.. so the victim was still waiting, after some time the dragon came and waited with him ..
after that and after I knew that maria's getting better the main page became kinda unnecessary, but I thought it would be nice if I used this page to show my moods.. just pictures and text phrases.. so, all you see there is my mood.. for example the one page in which the background faded to gray was the small hope I had when I came home on monday.. though I wrote a text while being on the train to Wels, a text for a new song .. and I made a small black line, with a small white dot and the alternative text "failure is always the best way to learn and the evidence that we forget what we've learnt"..

actually there is hope in life.. and actually life can be beautiful, life can be satisfying.. when you're standing in the middle of the street, surrounded by red leaves, dancing around you in the slight autumn winds.. you forget everything, your problems, your existence, you leave this world for a short time .. and then.. life means realism, sarcasm, irony, sadness and depressions again ..
behind every beauty lies an embittered truth .. behind love lies the fact that it can get boring after a long time, boring and unsatisfying, it's reality, it's human.. you can only get around if you're a surprising and creative person.. for example I try to keep my love fresh and interesting .. and I mostly succeed..
behind a beautiful landscape lies work, sweating people, people who must clean the places from garbage other people made because they didn't care about the beauty..
everything on this world which can give you hope is actually just the embittered try to forget the reality.. and the reality is that life is a rotten rose..

those pages on phq are also the sad try to do new things, to explore new artistic worlds, to find another world.. I've done it all, I put so much of myself in all the latest projects I did that nothing new and interesting can be found anymore.. I'm an empty bottle, everyone tasted it, some liked it and now the bottle is empty and just an ordinary thing for the recycling cycle.. when I create new things, new songs, drawings and pages, I just recycle myself, I use old ideas and change them a little, maybe mix up with some new experimental ideas from other songs or drawings.. subconscious of course.. but after some time when I take a look at what I've done I know that I've done something like that before..
maybe that's why you can identify paintings from different artists.. because every artist has his/her personal additudes, personal style.. I've got my black and white style in drawings, my depressive and empty style in my songs.. I try to be innovative.. but lately I mostly fail..
that's why I motivate others to complete their worlds.. fredi for example is writing on his own world, he's got the power and the ideas to create a new world, but he's stuck on the usual "unmotivated-cause-it's-such-an-effort"-problem.. I'm trying to motivate him everytime I get the chance.. I always get sad when I see new worlds coming up and then get left behind because its creator couldn't live with the whole summoning process...

I want to create new worlds.. I want you to feel what I feel, to see what I see.. I want you to see that there are other roses, roses which are still alive and healthy..
but my inspirations are drying out .. maybe I've done everything I could do in this life.. I'm a broken light bulb.. and maybe it's time to get replaced..

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