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November 01st 2003

The time has come. I need your help.

Someone stole pieces of my art, even the quote by bj "The price for humanity was humanity itself." and even my name!

But .. you must see it for yourself:

Profile Page (link removed)

Homepage (link removed)

I wrote him an email but he hasn't replied yet. So I ask you to help me. Send him emails, get his real address and do something with it. Send him a lot of requests that he has to shut his pages down. Or do something rather sadistic. But let him know that he's crossed very sensible lines.

Real name: ******
Location: ******
E-Mail: ******

If you get his real address please send it to my email address (muddasheep@gmx.at).

I'd really appreciate your help. Thank you all in advance.

Update June 16th 2011: Forgive and forget!

October 21st 2003

Alright.. here are the facts:
I can't make music at the moment because my computer sucks.
First he makes a lot of error messages while trying to play an arrangement in my music program. There are three different errors, all have to do something with MIDI, synchronisation and sample rate.
Second: I got my Geforce 1 back and it makes interesting sounds, coming from the cooler. Funny story: I sold my Geforce a few years ago to a friend who gave the card to the brother of my girlfriend (who I didn't know at this time). Then he gave it to my girlfriend and now it belongs to me again.
Third: Chaos. There's such a chaos on my harddrives and in my room. It's kinda blocking my creativity..
Fourth: (this has got nothing to do with my computer) I don't know what to do. Well, I know what to do, but I don't know where to start.

I want to finish Personal Halfquake. Yes, a final version. To do this I have a few things to accomplish:
a) A common enemy. There is a general threat to all institutes and everyone must team up to avoid the threat. This includes investigating, hacking and attacking with your chosen victim, spy slaves and all other creatures available on the black market. This should be really difficult to make because of the artificial intelligence of the enemy.
b) One or two new modes for Heal The Dragon. A deathmatch and an advanced healing game, in which the team wins which gathers the most plague spots (and heals them).
c) A new experience system, a new contract and slaves system.. which should also be very hard to implement.
d) A new chapter, a final chapter..

I also want to end the Halfquake Amen comic. I have a lot of ideas but again it gets destroyed due to a lack of time.

Then I want to finish my new song (at the moment it's called "Critical Beauty", like critical error..). But I need a new computer to do so. In the fall of November I'll have enough money to buy a new one. And maybe in the meantime I'll tidy up my goddamn room.

Next is a page called Untopia. Darrn, chappi and I want to make a website for the new money system and to show the failures of the current system. It would be hard to create because it's a huge project. But I guess I should just start it and then just finish it and stop thinking about the size. Size doesn't matter. I've learnt that during the making of Halfquake Amen. If you really want to do something - you can do it.

The next thing in my head is rather difficult to explain. I want to do art. When I see the red and orange leaves out there, surrounded by fog and frost I want to buy a digital camera and shoot photos and make some kinda a webpage for them. A gallery, or even a story.. I also think about the next Halfquake, really. At the moment it's called "Halfquake Sunrise". It won't be about sadism anymore, but about art. Visual and acoustic art. I've had dreams again about a black and white world, as I had before Halfquake Amen. I guess a new Halfquake will come. And it's going to disappoint you all. Because I've changed and I bet you won't like it.

In conclusion I must say that I need a new room. Kinda like the nothing-studios. This is really amazing. If you look at the pictures you want to be there. On the walls lies the breath of creativity, the air seems to say: "Come, come! Create something! CREATE!"
When I look at my room all I see is: "Come, come! Clean me! CLEAN!". And when I look at it again my head answers: "No, I'm too tired, too lazy and I've got no money and no time. Get lost."

September 25th 2003

Life is beautiful.
That's what we're taught.

In case you're wondering what those strange main pages of personal halfquake mean: well it actually means nothing .. it began when maria wrote something on phq and we all thought that she has killed herself.. I started with the victim of the hqa comics, sitting there, waiting for response.. maria's mother told me the next day that maria's here, but won't come online the next days.. so the victim was still waiting, after some time the dragon came and waited with him ..
after that and after I knew that maria's getting better the main page became kinda unnecessary, but I thought it would be nice if I used this page to show my moods.. just pictures and text phrases.. so, all you see there is my mood.. for example the one page in which the background faded to gray was the small hope I had when I came home on monday.. though I wrote a text while being on the train to Wels, a text for a new song .. and I made a small black line, with a small white dot and the alternative text "failure is always the best way to learn and the evidence that we forget what we've learnt"..

actually there is hope in life.. and actually life can be beautiful, life can be satisfying.. when you're standing in the middle of the street, surrounded by red leaves, dancing around you in the slight autumn winds.. you forget everything, your problems, your existence, you leave this world for a short time .. and then.. life means realism, sarcasm, irony, sadness and depressions again ..
behind every beauty lies an embittered truth .. behind love lies the fact that it can get boring after a long time, boring and unsatisfying, it's reality, it's human.. you can only get around if you're a surprising and creative person.. for example I try to keep my love fresh and interesting .. and I mostly succeed..
behind a beautiful landscape lies work, sweating people, people who must clean the places from garbage other people made because they didn't care about the beauty..
everything on this world which can give you hope is actually just the embittered try to forget the reality.. and the reality is that life is a rotten rose..

those pages on phq are also the sad try to do new things, to explore new artistic worlds, to find another world.. I've done it all, I put so much of myself in all the latest projects I did that nothing new and interesting can be found anymore.. I'm an empty bottle, everyone tasted it, some liked it and now the bottle is empty and just an ordinary thing for the recycling cycle.. when I create new things, new songs, drawings and pages, I just recycle myself, I use old ideas and change them a little, maybe mix up with some new experimental ideas from other songs or drawings.. subconscious of course.. but after some time when I take a look at what I've done I know that I've done something like that before..
maybe that's why you can identify paintings from different artists.. because every artist has his/her personal additudes, personal style.. I've got my black and white style in drawings, my depressive and empty style in my songs.. I try to be innovative.. but lately I mostly fail..
that's why I motivate others to complete their worlds.. fredi for example is writing on his own world, he's got the power and the ideas to create a new world, but he's stuck on the usual "unmotivated-cause-it's-such-an-effort"-problem.. I'm trying to motivate him everytime I get the chance.. I always get sad when I see new worlds coming up and then get left behind because its creator couldn't live with the whole summoning process...

I want to create new worlds.. I want you to feel what I feel, to see what I see.. I want you to see that there are other roses, roses which are still alive and healthy..
but my inspirations are drying out .. maybe I've done everything I could do in this life.. I'm a broken light bulb.. and maybe it's time to get replaced..

September 05th 2003

SURPRISE!

Dear sadists, I proudly present the following project by theawake, sirion and myself:

HQA: The Present

You get more informations if you follow the link above.

The winner of the last tshirt contest is: Loony99! Congratulations!

September 01st 2003

Oh my god of sadism.. You see how time passes? Exactly one year ago Halfquake Amen got released. I remember two guys who were waiting for it in the farm board and writing stuff like "Hey it's September 1st, where's Halfquake Amen?". Then a few days later the first review appeared on HL Atlas and the guy who's responsible for this site even supported us with the first download mirror.
Well, I guess summarized I can say Halfquake Amen became a success. People listen to its soundtrack on the way to work, others buy Halfquake tshirts or even HQA-ish-looking ties (no kidding!), some see HQA as a hope for their lifes and a few people even try to make a reality of its story.
Personal Halfquake was the next step to take for the growing Halfquake fan community. Some loved it and still do, some loved it and hate it now and some didn't even try. But then PHQ became a small community of people who didn't know that there are people out there who think like them. PHQ became a place where individualists gather and discuss about life, philosophy, halfquake and more.
And now some even try to get back to the roots. The first Halfquake.

In the fall of 2000 on a LAN party while others were playing Diablo II and betas of Counter-Strike two guys called muddasheep and blackjack were sitting in front of muddasheep's pc and playing Quake 1.

MS: "I love this architecture! And all this sadism, oh man did you see that?"
BJ: "Yeah, it's just brilliant."
MS: "Maybe we should make something like that for Halflife, you know?"
BJ: "Maybe... Do you know the movie called 'Cube'?"
MS: "Hmm.. no?"
BJ: "Hehe, I haven't seen it yet, but I like its story. It's about a few people who get stuck in a place with lots of cubes and in some of the cubes there are deadly traps."
MS: "And is there an explanation why they are caught in this place?"
BJ: "No, that's the point. They're just there. No reason."
MS: "Hehe, I like it. Maybe we should really try to combine those things. Let's say.. you get caught because you did something wrong in the past and now you get tortured. And we're laughing at them and their sufferings."
BJ: "Good idea! But how do we call it?"

I can't recreate the last words we've spoken and I can't remember all the names we've created. Most of them were really funny ("CubeQuake") and in the end we decided to call our modification "Half-Quake", a silly combination of Halflife and Quake. Of course, we didn't know what we were going to make, otherwise we'd have chosen a better name.
A few minutes later I started to make the first level including a short intro and a sample of manson's "beautiful people".
During the making of Halfquake (sorry, Half-Quake) I still went to school and around February I had some serious psychic problems which lasted for about one month. The portal map before Somos was made during this month which should be quite self-explanatory. Blackjack and I also visited a Manson concert which was one of the most important things in my life. This was also the time when we both started to make our emoticons the "wrong" way. For example ":)" turned out to be "(:".
And finally on April 19th 2001 after about 5 months of work Half-Quake got released. It took a few months until we got our first fan mails and reviews. But most people just hated it because of its sadism. We enjoyed it. And we even used some comments on the first one for a commercial for Halfquake Amen, about 5 months later.
On September 18th 2001 Half-Quake2 got started. We knew that this name wasn't that what we were looking for and so we decided to think about a subtitle for our second mod. Again I can't remember the names we've thought about but we all know what made it to the first place: Halfquake Amen.
I also remember the first room I've made. It was totally new for me being in an absolutely dark room with a large letter field. But I liked it. And so did blackjack.
After one year of torturing myself and having nightmares of Somos I finally released Halfquake Amen on September 1st 2002.

People liked it, people enjoyed it and some people didn't get it and hated it ("stupid level design", "n00b texture scaling", "no storyline", "too difficult", "not possible without cheating"). I almost won 20,000 Euro and a laptop and almost got a deal with a commercial guy from Vienna. Almost. Which means: I didn't get it.

And now?
My future is as empty as my past is full.
The inspiration is gone. Reality caught me. Real life sucks. The government sucks. And as if Manson could read my mind he sang in his stupid new song: "Everything has been said before, nothing left to say anymore."

My world is gone. And I want to get back to where I came from. I want to escape. Escape from the maze of life.

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