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May 04th 2005

Wee, we seem to have a new server. Yeah. Also, I bought a soundcard yesterday and lookey, lookey, I can record stuff with my microphone again. (:

Maybe I'll get an e-guitar soon, I just have to see how much they cost and if I can afford it. Since Vino played his e-guitar to the new HQS songs, I can't stop to think about adding some "heavy metal" to the tracks. I think it is necessary. And while we are at it, real drums would be nice too. But I know only a few people who play drums - it's still a possibility. I'd give my heart and soul for real drums to play around with!

Things are weird at the moment. Still one month left until I'm sent away to serve my country for less than 150 dollars a month. Sitting in the office and coding around on homepages for me or the company I'm working for.

I mustn't look forward or I'll become depressive. So, hey, here I am, I got plenty of time, and I'm having fun, actually. Tonight I'll probably record some stuff after like 1 or 2 months without being able to record! I really like the latest song I made (it's the 10th for the HQS soundtrack already). It's slow, floating and kinda in a happy mood. It's funny, when I look back and see that my recent songs have all been brighter than the ones I did 3-4 years ago. I guess, I'm growing up, or I've found a way to cope with things. Maybe I'm becoming naive.

I've changed a lot. I don't know if I like those changes. Or maybe, I haven't changed, but rather my surroundings. Or both. Actually, when I take a close look at myself, I'm still the same kid like a few years ago, only now I have more money and I can buy stuff that I want, like the new DS or the new NIN album, without having to think when I get the next pocket money from my parents...

Well, until June 1st. Then I'll depend on the money of others again, heh.

Whatever... Money ain't a good thing, I guess, the more you have the less worth are the things you already own. My boss for example, always driving the latest cars, and the newest technologies are a must. Recently he just dropped his laptop on the floor because he was so frustrated. How can a laptop be like a tower of lego for a little kid? It's the lost value, I guess. I also discovered, that the more positive words you receive about your works, the less they are worth and the more you need/want to hear.

It's like I said to an old friend of mine: Don't flatter me because I can't stand it.

April 04th 2005

As you might have heard, Ultimate Contra Force War was a big bad april fools joke. You can still read the fake news entries here.

I'll continue working on HQS (for HL1) as usual. Please be patient.

March 01st 2005

Why do so many people need to look down on everyone? Either it is just because they're older, or because of their position in a company, or because they have better marks than you, or more money. Is it a natural behaviour? Something like the survival of the fittest, and the others get killed by the fittest so they have an even higher chance of surviving? Then why are there people who are too lazy to do anything but still throw arguments at you that actually YOU are lazy, and tell you that they're the only ones doing something "in real life". Is it because of an inferiority complex? What causes an inferiority complex? Too few attention? Why do we need attention? To survive?

Why are there people who can command people around and still don't have a bad conscience? How can they do that? And why are there people like me who can't even ask people something without having a bad conscience for disturbing them? How can you be so egoistic to only think of yourself and not care about what happens to anyone else?

Maybe I should buy a book called "How to be an Asshole (For Dummies)". I could become a boss of a huge company. Or at least everything I want. Because if you have no conscience you can abuse people who have conscience. It happens to me all the time. How about you?

Is equal treatment possible? Things like in Star Trek where there is no currency anymore because the whole humanity is concentrating on getting a starship together to see what else there is outside. Is that possible? I think not. Some people work harder than others. Some work as hard as others but in different fields (being in the office or working at the building site). It is hard to judge. Even people who don't work at all but have no conscience will still claim they're worth more than others, because maybe they've got better marks when they were still in school, thus teleporting them up there where the gods are.

Marks are nothing. NOTHING. There are people who still judge others on how they do in school. The only thing what marks show is if you're ready to give up on yourself and force your brain to suck in stuff it doesn't need. People who tell me that marks are important for job applications are blind. Companies are looking for people who are not good in THEORY, but in PRACTICE. If you really want a job, you can get it. You only need to want it badly and work for it. If there's ANYTHING you want, you can get it.

People who look down on you are depressing. And you can't even kill yourself because that would be ridiculous and it wouldn't make you better than them. I guess the only solutions are: Try to ignore them, take every verbal punch with a smile, and even if your soul is already bleeding, just smile. I'm sure someone out there will let them pay for it, hopefully. That's another thing I really, really hate. Sometimes you can't talk back. You're not allowed to. If your boss tells you that he's asking himself why you're here, you can't do anything. You can quit. But then you're jobless. If the person who thinks he/she is above you is not your boss, you CAN talk back, but it doesn't matter because they are so full of themselves that they will stop discussions with phrases like "you're dumb, end of discussion". Or "stop defending yourself and admit that I was right". WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THEM!? It really makes me want to have a gun and go insane. But then I'M IN JAIL, and they still had the last laughter. Even if they're dead. I FUCKING HATE THEM.

Hate is an infective illness. If you get confronted with hate, you're building up hate too, giving it to someone else, thus spreading hate all over the place. Crying helps, but is that a solution? No. Maybe the button I was talking about earlier is a solution. Sounds really acceptable to me.

February 10th 2005

Moving forward again. I'm just designing the next levels for HQS, and the HQA Comic will reach the 200 mark next Monday!

Speaking of HQS, make sure you thank Vino in your daily prayers because that's the guy who makes things possible.

Uhm, of course I meant the prayers to Gothazod. What, you aren't praying to him? Oh well, damn atheists and nihilists. What? Gothazod is dead? Yeah, Jesus is dead too, but that doesn't stop people from praying to him either!

Coming up next: A comic with a guy called Amen!

Priest: Thank you, Lord. Amen.
Audience: Amen.
Amen: Yes?


Speaking of not funny things, I won't move to a new server. The End.

February 01st 2005

The first version of "I'm A Dragon" got released yesterday. I feel that I really need to go back to HQS and the HQA Comics soon, but I need to add some more stuff to IAD.

Maybe I'll take a short break from IAD (1 or 2 weeks) and continue with the HQA Comics...

Or maybe I should just delete everything and get a life.

...

Sometimes I just wonder why I do all this stuff. Sometimes I just see no reason behind it, it just leads me nowhere. People are telling me that I can probably use all that stuff for job applications, but I think this stuff here is too weird for every "normal" person out there and - I'm just sick of it. I want to be in a world without having to sell my soul in order to get money to be able to buy food. Why do we have to get up when our boss yells at us? Why can't we just say, "Do it yourself." Why do we have to obey others, be the slaves of others only because we get a monthly paycheck? I want to do what I want to do and get money for it. No, I don't want money, I want to be free. I just want to do what I like and I don't want to starve. But I guess that's just not possible, that's only an illusion. We're wasting all our time here. Why are we still alive anyway? I hope someone presses the famous red button and all our problems would dissolve and rain down from the sky in the form of gray ash. I wish I could do that. Sometimes I really do.

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